


The Noise in My Head (It Won't Quiet)

by halahan



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (for a barely mentioned side character), (very light tbh), Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use (light), Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, extremely vague hints of backstory and no will to explain them, how much projection is Too Much Projection?, self beta, tags make it look heavier than it is tbh, trying my best to tag everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29383212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halahan/pseuds/halahan
Summary: Five minutes should do it, right?There’s a small sports court on the left of the building, Jisung figures he’ll be able to find a bench there, one that’s not totally in the dark, unlike the sidewalk he’s on right now.Jisung has never gone to a school dance before. He's never talked to Seo Changbin either.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	The Noise in My Head (It Won't Quiet)

**Author's Note:**

> title from [_by(e)_](https://open.spotify.com/track/16UZu6DcGmq9E06yQYNhMv?si=e9QpIYBJRmWwk2bawZwYKg) by min.a ("by(e)" was also the wip doc's title)  
> i recommend listening to [this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Zs4OpFyuwkDLjQFKGwghf?si=BqIamLTeT22Ihn5eb1BgCA) while u read!

The sun is setting on the horizon as they drive almost smoothly between the trees. Jisung’s eyes are glued to the road, and his hands are on the wheel, clammy skin tight around the old and crumbling faux-leather. Trees pass by not so quickly, as the car only goes up to sixty kilometers per hour—sixty-five if Jisung pushes the pedal carefully—and he’s not pushing because of the low visibility the one and a half headlight offers in the dying daylight.

Although the car’s engine rumbles and the wind whistles through the chipping window seal, it’s too quiet for Jisung’s liking. He doesn’t mind a silent ride but twenty minutes of awkward silence is a bit much for him—albeit the awkwardness might be one-sided. He wanted to turn the radio on but the only thing that came through without killing their eardrums was an old catholic radio having a debate over birth control, which Harin quickly turned off before complaining about the lack of Bluetooth or even an AUX cord and going back to typing on her phone without speaking another word.

Jisung dares a glance off the road at her. Her face is illuminated by her phone screen, reds and greens dancing over her features for a second as she probably watches a video a friend sent her from the Christmas Ball. ( _It’s just a party, Jisung-ah, not really a ball,_ she said when Jisung picked her up earlier. _You didn’t have to pull out the necktie. Your… tux? Suit? Whatever it is, it doesn’t even really fit… Well I guess it’ll do, we’re already late enough._ ) Her makeup is pretty, her lips a deep shiny red, her eyelids silver and green, matching the ball’s—the _party_ ’s—theme colors. Her copper dyed hair falls in carefully rolled curls down to her shoulders, only held away from falling in her face by pins with pearls on them, matching her dress’s cream color. Said dress is fancier than anything Jisung has ever seen his mother wear, and definitely not his aunt’s style, although that anyone could have guessed when seeing the car Jisung is currently driving, which belongs to her.

Jisung’s aunt’s car is older than Jisung himself, with a sacred cross dangling from the rearview mirror, a bible in the compartment between the front seats, rock-hard expired cookies in the glove compartment, and it smells like mold. Jisung suspects it comes from the blanket on the backseat. It’s the absolute worst, but it’s all Jisung could manage to get his hands on when Harin had told him that he needed to pick her up since she’d agreed to be his date. She had probably deeply regretted her decision when she had followed him out the door of her three-story suburban house and spotted the dirty vehicle. He had tried to clean it as best as he could, which wasn’t that well since his aunt said that he needs to bring it back in the same state she’d handed it to him earlier in the afternoon.

Harin lets out a giggle, probably because of what the friend said or what they captioned the video.

Jisung snaps his eyes back on the road and clears his throat. “We’re almost there,” he says, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as stupid as he always thinks it does when he talks to Harin.

“Cool,” she just replies, barely lifting her eyes from her phone to look at where they are, but she does seem to recognize the area. Jisung doesn’t, considering it’s his first time ever coming to one of the dances since he started high school.

He wasn’t exactly planning to go to this one either but he had the misfortune to tell his friends—so just Seungmin and Hyunjin, really—that he thought Harin was cute, and said friends had pushed him to ask her to the ball. ( _Party_.) He almost died of embarrassment asking, but Harin had simply asked if he knew how to drive, so he was more surprised that when he said yes, she said yes back, too. The excitement of the date had been quickly crushed when he remembered that now, he had to find a car, a suit, and actually buy a ticket. He almost started to cry when he was told they were ₩20,000, on top of the money he’d have to spend on gas. Luckily, Harin already had her own ticket, so he didn’t have to pay for that on top of it.

Suddenly, there’s a sharp sound and the car starts _coughing_.

“What was that?” Harin asks, concerned, and Jisung winces.

The car slows down, the engine turning off on its own, the car moving just long enough for Jisung to stop it safely on the side of the road.

Harin turns to him, looking for an answer, but all Jisung can do is look back at her with round eyes. After a moment, he finally finds it in him to speak.

“Um… I think it’s dead.”

Harin’s face twists in a mix of frustration and deception. “God, I knew I should’ve waited a bit more until someone else asked. But no, I said yes to you, and I keep my promises so I couldn’t even go with Felix.”

Jisung looks down, biting his lip. Figures.

“Whatever,” she adds, grabbing her things and opening the car door to step out, “it’s a little under ten minutes away, let’s just walk there.”

Jisung hesitates a little, to leave the car here, but he figures he can just say it broke down on the way back. So he steps out too and follows Harin, the only one who actually knows where they’re going.

While walking, Harin doesn’t look at her phone, but she doesn’t look at Jisung either, who trails behind her like a lost puppy. He feels bad he couldn’t afford a better car to drive her, he hopes she’s not too mad at him for it.

Jisung really admires the petite ginger girl for being able to walk so fast in heels. She hasn’t put her sweater back on, even in the chill mid-December air, but that’s probably because walking so fast keeps her warm. Jisung feels warm. He hopes it’s because they’re walking fast and not shame because he can’t leave shame on the coat rack when they enter the party.

Luckily, they get there pretty quickly, and they spot twinkling lights shining above the entrance with relief after turning a corner.

Harin’s steps get quicker, until she stops, a few meters away from the entrance. She turns to look at Jisung, properly for the first time since she took in his outfit, and gives him a look he’s seen far too many times before. Contempt, bordering on pity.

“Wait a couple minutes to go in,” she tells him, “and if anyone asks: my dad dropped me off.”

Without leaving Jisung time to add anything—not that he thinks he would have been capable of it—she turns back around and heads for the party entrance.

Jisung thinks that in his place, Seungmin would have grabbed her wrist and told her straight up that what she was doing was unfair, and Hyunjin would have gone in anyway, but Jisung isn’t them, so he bites his lip and looks around for a spot to go wait. _Five minutes should do it, right?_

There’s a small sports court on the left of the building, Jisung figures he’ll be able to find a bench there, one that’s not totally in the dark, unlike the sidewalk he’s on right now.

As Jisung approaches, he hears the music coming from inside, and a knot forms in his throat, choking him up. He can feel the tears wanting to spill, but he spots the bench he guessed he would find, except there’s already someone sitting on it.

For a moment, Jisung considers going inside anyway, but just that thought makes the tears feel more prominent so he decides to still go towards the bench, hoping the person will just leave when he arrives.

He sees a puff of smoke before he sees the person’s face. It’s kind of a round face, though. A sharp-angled chin but full cheeks, with soft locks of hair falling on their forehead, the rest covered by the pulled up hood of a black hoodie. The guy turns his head to look at the newcomer and Jisung recognizes him.

Seo Changbin; resident misfit, dark and broody loner. Jisung doesn’t know what they’re about, but he’s pretty sure there are a couple of rumors circulating around him, and not good ones. He’s never seen the guy do anything more than glare, though.

However, Changbin isn’t glaring when he looks at Jisung. Actually, his face doesn’t seem to show any type of negative emotion, which Jisung is grateful for. He’s gotten enough. The tears manifest again and Jisung swallows them, as the last thing he wants is to cry in front of the one dude everyone stays away from at school.

“Aren’t you going inside?” he asks, instead of crying.

“I don’t have a ticket,” Changbin replies with a shrug.

Jisung chuckles humorlessly. He has a ticket, but he’s not sure he wants to use it anymore. “I can sell mine to you if you want.”

The brunette raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you using it? I heard you scored a date with one of the Jeon twins. Jiwoo, was it?”

“Harin,” Jisung corrects and finally decides to sit next to Changbin instead of standing two meters away from him like an idiot. The bench is cold when he sits down but he ignores it. “Just got ditched, though. I’m pretty sure she only needed to get a ride so her parents would let her come, but I kinda blew that.”

Changbin inhales smoke from his stick, which Jisung now identifies as weed by the smell of it. He holds it in for a few seconds, leaving the cold air silent. “That sucks,” he finally says as he blows the smoke back out.

There’s a pause again, although it’s not really awkward, they just don’t have anything more to say. Then, Changbin offers Jisung his blunt. Jisung takes it without hesitation, carefully holding it with his cold-bitten red fingers as he brings it to his lips. He takes a drag—not too big in order not to abuse Changbin’s generosity, but not too small that it’s like he took nothing at all—then hands it back to the other as he keeps the smoke in his lungs.

“Didn’t expect you to actually take it.” Jisung doesn’t look at him, but he’s sure he hears the smirk in his voice. He breathes out smoothly and shrugs.

“That’s basically all my brother spends his paycheck on… When he’s high enough, he lets me smoke some of it with him without repeating that I have to pay him back for it for a month afterward.” Jisung doesn’t really know why he’s telling him this, especially since he’s never told anybody before. It’s not really a secret, he just doesn’t tell because no one asks.

“Hmm,” is all Changbin replies, taking another drag. It’s already pretty short, so Jisung guesses he’s been here for a couple of minutes already, considering the other burnt end in the ashtray at his feet.

Jisung lets his head fall back against the brick wall behind him. They keep going like this, smoking what’s left of the blunt slowly, observing the way the shadow of a tree dances on the sports court in front of them. Jisung’s never been much of a sports guy, he enjoys playing some, but not too much, and he’s definitely not interested in watching them.

The weed is pretty good, better than the one his brother has gone back to smoking after he got demoted at work for being late every day for a week straight, but it’s still not the top-notch one they can get around here. It gets him just a little buzzed, enough to make his leg stop bouncing, but not enough so that his thoughts disappear, not even for a moment.

Changbin takes the last drag and crushes the butt in the ashtray.

“That’s all I had,” he says after breathing out the smoke, “sorry.”

Jisung shrugs, his head still against the wall. He doesn’t know why the other is apologizing, it’s not like Jisung expected him to give him more, he hadn’t expected him to give any at all.

Changbin then gets up, dusting the back of his jeans with his hands, and starts walking in the opposite direction of the one Jisung came from.

Jisung doesn’t know why he feels a little disappointed. It’s not like he knows the guy, he already would never have imagined sitting, talking, or even smoking with him, what did he think would follow? He watches him walk a few steps before Changbin turns around. Jisung feels his cheeks burn even redder than from the cold. He’s glad at least he didn’t get caught staring at his ass, because he’s sure a few more seconds and that’s what he would’ve been doing.

“You coming?”

Jisung’s head shoots back to the brunette, who has an eyebrow raised and a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lip. Jisung can’t deny, there’s something indescribably attractive about Seo Changbin.

“Huh?” he asks back, dumbly.

“You’re not going to the party, and you’re not gonna walk back home, are you?”

“Uhh…”

“I have a car,” Changbin adds. “It’s nothing much but it’s enough, I think it can get you back home without too much trouble.”

“Oh.” Jisung blinks. “Oh! Right.”

Changbin chuckles but when Jisung gets up, he starts walking again, and Jisung follows.

They don’t walk far, just a street away, where there is indeed a car parked in front of a garage door. It’s small, not so clean, but as Changbin had said, it’s enough. It’s definitely better than Jisung’s aunt’s car.

“I’m gonna grab the key, but it’s open so you can go sit in the car. I’ll be right there.”

Jisung frowns in confusion but he does as told and climbs in. Through the windshield, he watches as Changbin opens the front door of the small house they’re parked in front of.

 _Oh, so that’s where he lives?_ he thinks. Then; _of course it is, dumbass, he’s parked in front of it. Why else would he be just hanging out close by if he isn’t going to the party?_

Jisung’s internal monologue—or conversation, depending on how you look at it—is cut short as Changbin comes back out, keys in hand, and joins him in the car. He wordlessly starts the car and they’re on their way.

Changbin’s car has a functioning radio system, it doesn’t have Bluetooth or an AUX cord, and the CD player refuses to spit out TWICE’s 2017 ‘Merry & Happy’, but the radio function is fully operational. Jisung doesn’t mind listening to a bit of TWICE, especially that album in this season, but he figures that the independent R’n’B radio—whose frequency you have to know by heart to the tenth of a Hz to find it—fits the mood better. There’s some french artist with a fancy name playing, her deep and smooth voice singing words Jisung doesn’t understand but he figures it doesn’t really matter. It sounds nice, that’s what really matters.

He looks outside the window at the stars, his chin in his palm, while the piano strings accompany the artist’s singing, and Changbin hums along after picking up the chorus melody at the beginning of the song.

Changbin’s voice is smooth, too, and he follows the melody surprisingly easily even though it’s in the female key.

They drive past the broken car without a word, Jisung refusing to acknowledge it, and he’s not sure whether Changbin misses it or if he pretends not to see it. Either way, Jisung is grateful he didn’t say anything.

In truth, they don’t talk except for when Jisung gives Changbin the directions, and slowly but surely, there’s a strange feeling that starts to spread through Jisung. It’s not a very good feeling, one that fills in for the lack of conversation with plenty of questions that make Jisung want to puke. There are a bunch about Changbin, ones that remind Jisung about the rumors, they tell him that maybe he shouldn’t be alone with him with absolutely no control over the situation even though Jisung doesn’t believe in rumors, and Changbin has given him no reason to be concerned. There are also a few about what Harin might be telling other people at the party—did she tell everyone that he’s a low budget date? Or did she act like nothing happened, like she had changed her mind and came alone?—but the one question that comes the most often and that’s the loudest is ‘what am I going to say about the car when I get back?’

That feeling grows as they get closer to Jisung’s house. He didn’t call in the break when it happened, but if he comes back that soon—barely after eight—then it’s obvious that he hasn’t been to the dance, and his aunt’s car is still on the side of the road, and Jisung came back without it and without calling a breakdown mechanic either.

As Changbin turns the corner where Jisung usually asks people to drop him off at so they won’t see how pitiful his house looks, Jisung feels the questions and doubts and fears—the anxiety—just become too much. It crushes his chest, his throat as tight as if someone had been choking him.

It’s when Changbin asks “which one is yours?” while driving slowly in the narrow street that Jisung can’t hold it in anymore.

The tears are first, wetting his cheeks in silence before Changbin looks at him and slows the car down almost to a stop. “Jisung?”

All Jisung can do in return is start sobbing, the first one shaking his body and sounding choked with how hard Jisung had been trying to keep it in. He didn’t even know Changbin knew his name.

The car is properly stopped now, and the brunette turns the radio volume down to zero before turning in his seat a little to face Jisung. Jisung can’t do the same, however, he barely even wants to open his eyes as it would feel like opening the dam when he’s trying to keep the water in.

He’s not looking at him, but Jisung is sure that right now, Changbin is confused as to why this is happening, and he might even be looking at Jisung with pity. _I don’t blame him_ , he thinks. _I would too._

“Do you want me to go get someone? Get you to your house?”

“No!” Jisung isn’t sure what force pushed him to reply so quickly. Maybe it was the way he saw the shaky bulb of his mother’s bathroom light up, and knowing that if he went in now, he would have no choice but to talk to her, and disappoint her again. “N-no, I can-can’t…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, curling onto himself, trying desperately to push everything that’s crushing him away. It hurts everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

His chest and shoulders won’t stop shaking, his body racked with sobs. Jisung’s head feels like it’s about to explode, and he’s burning everywhere. He desperately wants it to stop but it just _won’t_.

Jisung rarely cries in front of people. He’s pretty sure he’s only really cried in front of Seungmin once, Hyunjin maybe twice, he avoided crying when he was home the best he could, and never, _never_ , had he cried in front of a stranger.

 _Great. He probably thinks I’m a crybaby, now._ And that is exactly why he hates crying in front of people, it’s not about vulnerability or trust, just that he can’t bear the thought of people seeing him as he sees himself—weak.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“I have nowhere else to go,” Jisung hiccups, stuttering words between sobs, desperately trying to dry his tears, his skin starting to feel itchy with how many times he’s rubbed the cheap fabric of his brother’s borrowed jacket on it, to no avail.

He expects Changbin to ask about his friends or other family, but he’s surprised when he doesn’t, in a good way—or at least as good as it can be while he’s having a breakdown bordering on panic attack in front of Changbin whom he barely knows.

“I can take you somewhere… peaceful, if you want,” he says instead. His voice sounds almost hesitant, quiet and gentle, soothing. Jisung can’t help but trust him, can’t help but want to follow him.

He nods wordlessly, taking in a breath with difficulty when Changbin starts the car again, driving away from Jisung’s house.

The further they are from the house, the better Jisung breathes, his nerves calming down and his thoughts making themselves quieter. They don’t disappear, but Jisung doesn’t feel like a thousand people are silently screaming at him anymore. He still can’t look at Changbin, who he can feel glancing at him every once in a while, so he distracts himself by counting the lampposts they pass by before they exit the resident area and go in a direction Jisung’s never been.

The trees are taller and closer together here, and if Jisung’s brain wasn’t exhausted, he might have gone back to thinking about the rumors and about how Changbin is taking him somewhere people wouldn’t go looking for Jisung if he were to go missing. But his brain is exhausted and all he thinks about is how the window fogs up with his breath, and that he really needs a tissue so he’ll stop sniffling like an idiot.

Eventually, the car stops again, and Jisung frowns watching the old sign in front of which they are parked.

“South-East Beach?”

“Hm, it’s a lake-side man-made beach.” Jisung looks at him, asking for further explanation as he’s never heard of it before even though he doesn’t live that far from it. “It closed ten years or so ago because the ground under the beach started caving in. There’s a bunch of holes everywhere, it’s kind of strange… But it’s stabilized now, I think. It hasn’t changed in the year and a half I’ve been going there.” Jisung nods along to the explanation. “So, shall we go see?” Changbin smiles, and when Jisung nods again, he gets out of the car.

When Jisung does the same, he’s a bit taken aback by how cold it is. Sure, he knew they were still in the middle of winter, but it had definitely dropped a couple of degrees since they had entered Changbin’s car, and crying had kind of warmed him up even more, so the sudden temperature shock hits him like a slap in the face. At least he feels more awake, following after Changbin towards the beach.

The beach is, indeed, just a bunch of holes in the sand. Some of them—the one closest to the lakeside—are filled with water, but most of them are just holes, sand caving in and creating craters all over the beach and even in the grass around it. It’s strange, giving the place a movie worthy apocalyptic-like feel.

“I call it gruyere beach,” Changbin says. He doesn’t look offended when Jisung doesn’t laugh. Maybe he would have if he didn’t feel so drained. “It looks more like cheese during the day, though.”

Jisung blinks at him without a word and Changbin shrugs, unbothered that his joke fell flat. Then, he walks up to a heap of branches, grabbing a few before dropping them a couple meters away, in one of the smaller holes, just at the edge of the grass. He then sits next to it, and Jisung guesses by the look the other gives him that he’s supposed to do the same.

 _Should I sit next to him? Or across?_ He decides to sit next to him, on the grass too, to avoid getting too much sand on his brother’s clothes.

With the wood, Changbin makes a small fire. He starts by taking the smallest branches and a torn-up piece of paper he found in his pocket—it looks like a handwritten letter, but Jisung doesn’t ask—he lights the paper, lighting up the twigs with the flame, and once the twigs are burning well, he puts them under the bigger branches. The small flame becomes bigger, licking at the cold air, creating a thin cloud of smoke. Once in a while, a branch cracks, or a leaf burns, and sparks fly before becoming ash in the cold air and falling back down slowly.

Jisung likes fire. He finds it scary, hot and burning anything it can without hesitation, but also very captivating. The red-orange flames dance to the beat-less song of the night, graceful and smooth, and they make Jisung’s face burn if he watches them for too long.

Some people are like fire, Jisung thinks. He doesn’t feel like he’s one of those people, but he believes Changbin might be.

“Stars are actually just big balls of gas,” Changbin says out of the blue. He’s looking up at the night sky, his hands on the grass behind him for support.

Jisung snorts. _I know, I might hate physics but I still pay attention to the class._ He lets Changbin talk.

“But they’re so far away, so far apart from each other. They’re like fire, but fire feeds on wood and leaves and stuff, it lives as long as you feed it, and only dies when you stop doing it, or when you kill it. Whereas stars… Stars only burn their own gas, don’t they?” Jisung doesn’t know. “They burn, big and bright, but when they run out of fuel, they die.”

There’s a heaviness in Jisung’s chest, and he looks at the stars, too, still hugging his knees.

“Do you think stars are lonely?” Jisung asks. He doesn’t tear away his eyes from the stars, but he can see Changbin turn his head towards him in the corner of his eye.

“Lonely?” he asks. It’s clear in his tone that he wants Jisung to explain.

So Jisung does. “I mean, sure, they’re part of galaxies, where there are millions of other stars, and some have planets that orbit around them, but… I think stars are lonely. No one feeds stars, they feed on themselves, and when they die, they die alone. I think stars are lonely.”

Changbin hums, and Jisung finally looks at him, too. He doesn’t know how to read the other’s eyes, but he feels seen and understood. _It’s strange._

“Are you lonely, Jisung?” His voice is low, almost a whisper, it makes a shiver travel down Jisung’s spine.

He didn’t realize how close he’d sat down next to Changbin until Changbin sits up, making their shoulders brush. His face is kind, understanding. It’s so, _so,_ strange, but Jisung thinks he likes it.

Changbin’s face is closer, now, closer than any other face had been since Jisung stopped letting his mother kiss his cheek. He doesn’t want to think about his mother right now.

“Are you going to kiss me?” Jisung quips, only half-ashamed for asking.

“Depends…” Changbin chortles and it tickles Jisung’s lips, so he licks them. “Do you want me to?”

Jisung looks away from Changbin’s plump lips to look at his eyes, instead. “Yes, I think I do.”

“Then I will.”

“Now?”

“When you stop speaking, yes.”

Jisung feels himself smile, and lets Changbin kiss him.

Changbin’s lips are warm from the fire. A little chapped, but it doesn’t matter because Jisung’s are probably too, and they move together, slow and careful. He likes how they feel when they kiss his bottom lip. He likes the rhythm they create, matching the fire’s dance, he likes the warmth.

For stability, Jisung brings his left hand to Changbin’s thigh, where Changbin’s own hand meets him and laces their fingers together. Jisung likes this too, so he gives Changbin’s hand a small squeeze, and the mood changes a little. Changbin tilts his head and introduces his tongue to the kiss, Jisung allowing him and welcoming it with his own. Changbin’s mouth tastes a little of the blunt they shared, still, but they mostly taste of what Jisung thinks is just _Changbin._ He likes it.

Changbin tastes him too, licking into his mouth and sucking on his tongue. He’s strong—Jisung thinks he could easily crush him—but he doesn’t push harder than he needs to, and sometimes he pulls too, creating a tide between them.

The fire cracks, and the boys part.

 _Does this count as my first kiss?_ Jisung wonders. He’s kissed some of his friends when they were experimenting with their sexualities, but he’s never kissed someone like this. He can’t say there are feelings, he barely knows Changbin, but it’s a kiss. It’s not a test, not an experiment, it’s a _kiss_. His first.

Should he feel more strongly about it? He liked it, he definitely did, but when Hyunjin had told them about his kiss with the girl he’d met during the summer, he talked about butterflies and fireworks, and all Jisung feels is the warmth of the fire and the warmth of Changbin’s hands. The heaviness in his stomach is less heavy, though.

Jisung looks for a sign that Changbin feels like him in his eyes, but all he sees is the reflection of the flames’ light on his dark irises.

“I think I’m ready to go home,” Jisung says.

* * *

Changbin kind of wishes he’d asked for Jisung’s number.

The younger hadn’t spoken a lot, yet Changbin feels like he’s gotten to know Jisung so much more than the preexisting idea he had of him from distant observation.

To be honest, Changbin didn’t know many people in their high school on a deeper level. Some because they didn’t have a deeper level for him to know, and others because he would only see them from far away. Jisung, however, he shared a couple of classes with, and although they’d never spoken to one another—Changbin isn’t even sure the other knew they shared classes since he usually sat towards the back, unlike Jisung—he had overheard conversations he’d had with his friends or other classmates. Not that he spied on him, Changbin isn’t a creep, unlike most people seem to think, but since he’s quiet most of the time, it makes it easier to hear what others are saying. Which of course, also comes with cons.

Changbin knows about all of the rumors that exist around him, not only the ones people have directly confronted him about. Most of them are related to him being violent—him bullying kids at his old school, him being in a gang, him beating someone almost to death, him threatening his half-brother to do the same to him—and all of these root to the same person: Daeho, said half-brother, who hates him for a reason Changbin ignores, and decided to tell every person he could find that the guy that was going to join their school the next month, was coming back from prison, which was why he was a year behind.

And the lie had spread easily, the fact that Changbin joined the semester looking the part not helping. He hadn’t bothered trying to, anyway. He was only here for a short while, he didn’t need to make friends.

The only person he considered a friend was Jeongin, his neighbor, but the younger went to a private school and wasn’t there most of the time, and even when he was back home he would be crushed under school work.

So Changbin just let it be, at least no one came to bother him.

Jisung had looked like he was pretty much the same as everyone, and although Changbin had to admit he thought the younger was pretty cute, he’d never given him a second look. But that night, the night of the Christmas Ball, just before the winter break, Changbin had changed his mind.

Under the ordinary outer shell Jisung had built, there was the lost teenager Changbin had met that night, and underneath that, there was a boy full of wonder, intelligent and curious. Changbin had only seen a shadow of that boy, appearing briefly in his eyes when they talked at the beach, but it had piqued his interest like nothing—no one—had in a long time.

He should have expected that the three weeks without contact with him would have allowed Jisung time to build his shell back up—calling it a shield while it held all of his worries in, sealed tight. Changbin should have known that when he’d return to school in the new year and would see Jisung in the hallway, the younger would look away and pretend nothing happened.

Changbin didn’t remember anyone speaking about Jisung liking guys, so he assumed that he was just not out yet, and acknowledging Changbin might end up leading to forcing him out, and Changbin didn’t want that. So he stayed away, moved on. Tried to, at least.

It was strange, really. It wasn’t the first time he had made out with a closeted guy who didn’t want him afterward, and every time he had moved on quickly. But somehow, Jisung’s face wouldn’t leave his mind. Haunting him even in his dreams, Jisung’s side profile illuminated by the warm flames making him look otherworldly, his words repeating in his mind. ( _Do you think stars are lonely? Do you think stars are lonely? I think stars are lonely. They die alone. I think stars are lonely. Are you going to kiss me?_ They were like a chant, but turning and twisting, the melody of Jisung’s hushed voice distorted as time went by. _Stars are lonely. Do you think stars die alone? Stars die lonely. Are you going to kiss a star?_ )

School had started again a week and a half ago, and Jisung was still ever-present in his mind, especially in classes they shared, where Changbin could actually see him and he couldn’t think about anything else than _he looks different in the daylight_.

“Alright,” the teacher sighs as she wipes the chalk dust off her hands and turns to the class. “If the instructions are clear, I’ll be making the groups now.” Protests erupt from the students, but the teacher quickly makes them quiet down. “No, I’m making the pairs myself. I know what you can do with your friends, I want to see some diversity in your assignments, now. And there is no convincing me, I have made the pairs already and will simply be calling out the list, you can meet in the last few minutes of class to exchange numbers and get organized to start working as soon as next period, understood?”

They have no choice, so the students simply agree. To his right, Changbin hears someone insult her under their breath, but he doesn’t turn to look who it was. He doesn’t really care.

The teacher rolls down her list until… “Pair number eight: Han Jisung and Seo Changbin.”

Changbin starts to open his mouth but the teacher doesn’t even let him start. “I know you usually work on your own, Mr. Seo, but we have a student in this class who’s sick and won’t be back soon enough for the project, so that makes the number of students an even one, and you surely understand that I’m not going to have two students working alone, or even one working alone and another in a group of three.” He frowns, ready to disagree, but once again she moves on. “That’s final, thank you.”

So Changbin shuts it and waits for her to be done with the announcement. In the corner of his eye, he notices Jisung looking at him, for the first time since classes started. _Since we kissed, even._ But he doesn’t meet his eyes.

When the teacher names the last pair, she allows the students to go to their assigned partner, and Changbin lets Jisung come to him.

“Hi,” he greets the younger.

“Hi,” Jisung greets back politely, getting his phone out and handing it to Changbin wordlessly.

Without another word, they exchange numbers and leave in their own direction. It shouldn’t bother Changbin, this is how he’s been communicating with everyone since he moved here, and yet it does bother him.

He should talk to Jisung about it, set things straight between them.

He doesn’t talk to Jisung about it.

They work on the assignment together with the minimum amount of talking or eye contact possible, and although the assignment is going alright—they’re a little late, but it’s a normal amount of lateness—Changbin is still bothered by the cold atmosphere between them.

It’s only on their third session working on it together that he starts to see clues that he’s not the only one bothered by it. They’re working in Changbin’s bedroom—for some unknown reason, the library was closed on Thursdays even though that is when their grade has the most free time—on the ground because he only had space for one chair at his desk, and when Changbin sits next to Jisung to look at his notes, he notices his leg bouncing; the movement is short but quick and nervous, and Jisung’s hands are jittery on his pen, too.

“Why are you so nervous?” Changbin asks, watching Jisung’s face.

Jisung’s eyes dart up but look away from Changbin’s almost instantly. “I’m not.”

“You are. You don’t have to be nervous, we still have the whole weekend to work on the final document.”

“I’m not nervous, I said.” His voice is cold, but Changbin hears it waver slightly on the last word.

Jisung’s leg is still shaking, too, so Changbin puts his hand on the younger’s knee. “Then stop this,” he says.

Jisung’s face falls a little and he finally stops bouncing his leg, looking up. His whole body seems frozen at the simple touch.

“It’s not the assignment that makes you nervous, is it?” Changbin asks, voice hushed.

Jisung bites his lip and he looks away for a moment, and clearly, Changbin is right. _He_ ’s the one making Jisung nervous.

“Jisung…”

“Do we have to talk about it?” Jisung whispers, the blush of his neck and ears climbing to his cheeks. When he looks back to Changbin, though, it’s with a look Changbin recognizes.

 _Oh._ Yeah, that makes sense.

“We don’t have to talk, if you don’t want to.”

Jisung nods. Somehow, Changbin knows what that means, so he leans forward, using his hand on Jisung’s knee to stabilize himself, and kisses Jisung.

Maybe this is the reason he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, because the way he kisses, although showing some lack of real experience, is addictive.

Jisung likes Changbin’s upper lip, it seems, coming back to kiss it more than the other one, and Changbin doesn’t complain. He lets Jisung lead the kiss, lets his hands grab his hoodie, lets him push forward and push Changbin’s back against the mattress that lays on the floor.

They shuffle around mindlessly to find a comfortable position, their lips never stopping, mouths hot against each other’s. Said position ends up being Changbin laid back on the pillows he has propped against the wall, Jisung sitting on top of him, holding his face and chest while Changbin’s hands rest on the younger’s small waist.

The assignment is forgotten on the ground while they make out. They don’t speak, just exchanging kisses that make Changbin’s inside twist and warmth collect in the pit of his stomach. The room is hot around them, and Jisung’s skin is hot under the fingers he snuck past the younger’s t-shirt, but Jisung’s mouth is the hottest.

Changbin groans when Jisung shamelessly gropes his chest, hand small but touching everywhere nonetheless.

“Jisung,” Changbin says when they part a little to breathe. Jisung doesn’t seem to listen, not reacting to his name. As Changbin calls his name again, his mouth unavailable to kiss, Jisung starts exploring his jaw, then his neck. Changbin sighs in pleasure at the open-mouthed kisses he leaves, and only when he starts to suck on Changbin’s skin does the older call his name again.

“Jisung,” he says, pauses to hold back a whine, and continues. “Are you sure…”

“Please shut up, hyung. Unless it’s to tell me to stop.”

So he doesn’t, and lets the younger do as he pleases. Jisung decides to take Changbin’s hoodie off, leaving him only in his loose tank top. The chill air hits his skin yet the shiver that travels down Changbin’s back isn’t due to that but to the spot between his collarbone and his shoulder that Jisung chooses to leave a mark. He sucks and bites at the skin—almost too delicately, as if he was scared of tearing it, with a tenderness foreign to both of them—Changbin’s hands carding through his hair as he does so, and he licks over it a few times when he’s done as if to soothe the spot. Then, he pulls back and his eyes meet Changbin’s. Jisung takes a moment to really look at him, his puffy lips and his patient face, and Changbin lets him, stroking his thumb on the underside of his cheekbone, over his mole.

“Sorry,” Jisung says, almost shy. “I guess I should say that I don’t know if I like you? Also, I don’t know if I want to know whether you do or not… I just—”

“It’s alright,” Changbin assures him. “I won’t ask, and I won’t tell. You don’t need to explain if you don’t want to.”

Jisung nods. “This is okay, right? We’re not… We’re not doing something wrong, are we?”

Changbin shakes his head. “We’re not.”

Jisung lets out a breath. “Okay, good. Good.”

Changbin hums and patiently waits for Jisung to start kissing him again.

They make out until the sun sets and the room starts getting dark. Changbin knows, with how the pace has already picked up and by the way Jisung is growing more selfish with his mouth and hands, that soon this will lead to more than kissing. He’s okay with that too, and he lets his head fall backward when Jisung’s hands travel down, resting just above his waistband.

The younger starts undoing Changbin’s sweatpants strings, but then the sound of footsteps echoes in the hallway outside Changbin’s bedroom, and Jisung gets off of him like he’s gotten burnt. By the time the footsteps reach his door, Jisung is back next to their forgotten homework, trying to tame his hair back into place.

Someone knocks, and Changbin gets just the time to smooth his clothes down properly again before the door swings open and his step-brother’s head peaks. He opens his mouth to speak but when he sees Jisung, he pauses. He looks back between them, but he doesn’t greet the younger and just glares at Changbin.

“Dad’s taking us to eat out. You’re busy. There’s leftovers in the fridge.”

“Oh, I’m leaving, it’s okay,” Jisung says, but Changbin’s step-brother gives him a dirty look.

“Hyung’s busy. He’s not coming.”

But before Jisung can say anything, Changbin agrees. “I’m not going.”

Then, his step-brother leaves.

Jisung looks at Changbin, both embarrassed and concerned.

“It’s okay Jisung, I would pick leftovers over spending an hour in a restaurant with them. I’d probably have to pay for my own meal anyway.”

“Right… I-I should still go home. Don’t want to miss the last bus.”

Changbin nods. He walks Jisung to the door but doesn’t walk him to the bus stop, although he has half a mind to, he also thinks it’s better if he doesn’t. They agree to meet on Saturday to finish the assignment, at the library this time.

The door closes behind Jisung, and Changbin puts his forehead against it, sighing before he makes his way to the bathroom, grabbing clothes on his way. In the shower, he thinks about Jisung’s hot mouth on his, and he thinks about his delicate hands traveling down to his crotch. Changbin closes his eyes and imagines that Jisung is still here, wrapped around him.

* * *

Jisung had never known what it felt like having rumors circulating about you, but when he sits down at the library on Saturday—early to the work session he and Changbin had planned—he discovers it.

Just a table down behind him, he hears it.

“Really? Han Jisung? I didn’t expect that from him…”

The people talking don’t know he can hear, because his back is turned to them and he has one earphone in, but they’re also not that far and he turned his music off because he got tired of the ads. He wonders what they’re talking about, so he listens closely. Is eavesdropping bad if they’re talking about him?

“I know, right? I’d heard that he had money problems before but I didn’t think it’d be bad enough for him to— You know…”

“And with _that guy_? I’m sure he could’ve picked someone else.”

Why are they being so vague? What guy? What did I do? How did people know about the money?

“I don’t know, noona, maybe he picked the right guy. Remember when Daeho said Seo Changbin was in a gang? Maybe he just never left, and he’s actually loaded. I don’t know, moving here could be a way to hide from another gang or something.”

 _What?_ Jisung is livid.

“That makes no sense.”

“I’m just saying that it’s possible he has enough left from those days to pay Han Jisung to be his—”

Then, the librarian shushes them, and Jisung can’t hear them anymore. Soon after Changbin arrives and they start working. Jisung doesn’t mention it, because he doesn’t want the people to overhear him.

But he doesn’t tell Changbin even when the couple is gone, he doesn’t tell when they finish the assignment, and he doesn’t tell after either.

When they hand in their paper, Jisung still doesn’t tell. But by now, he’s started to notice that people look at him more than they used to, and they whisper. The rumors are spreading, he’s not sure they’re all the same version that the one he has heard, but none have reached his friends, so he doesn’t mention them.

He avoids Changbin again, too. Changbin texts him once and when Jisung doesn’t respond, he doesn’t text again. Jisung doesn’t know if he would have wanted him to.

The next Friday night, Jisung hangs out at Hyunjin’s house after class because one of their classes got canceled and his house is the closest. Seungmin didn’t stay because he took the opportunity to go watch a baseball game he had been sulking about missing all month. However, Felix did.

It’s just the three of them in Hyunjin’s living room. Felix loses the game and hands over the controller to Jisung.

“Your turn,” he says cheerfully.

Felix is nice, Jisung thinks. He’s sweet and funny, but he mostly hangs out with the popular kids, including the Jeon twins, which means…

“So are you and Harin together now?” Hyunjin asks the blonde boy while he plays.

“Yeah,” Felix giggles, “she asked me out at the Christmas ball, but she said we couldn’t date until the new year because of a promise she made with a friend or something?” He turns to look at Jisung but Jisung doesn’t look back, eyes focused on the game—although he’s losing. “Jisung, weren’t you supposed to go with her to the dance?”

His jaw tightens, he pretends it’s because Hyunjin’s character just pushes his off the platform. “Um, yeah but uh—”

“You got sick, yeah. She told me her dad ended up driving her.”

“Right.”

Jisung doesn’t blame him, because he let Harin tell her lie. She didn’t make him look bad, at least. Felix doesn’t know she’s a liar, and Jisung wonders if he should tell him, but he and Felix aren’t that close, and he looks happy to be with her. It’s in the past, he doesn’t need to bring it back up.

“By the way Jisung,” Hyunjin continues, “how did the pair assignment go with Seo Changbin?”

Ah right, that’s how Hyunjin and Felix got closer, too. The assignment.

“Fine. I think we’ll pass.”

“I think he meant, like, how was it _with him_ , you know?”

Jisung has a cold sweat and dies in the game. He hands the controller back. “W-what do you mean?”

“Like, was he nice?” _Oh, he doesn’t mean… He isn’t alluding to the rumors._

“Uh, alright, I guess. We didn’t… Talk much.” He feels himself blushing, but the other two are too focused on the game to notice.

“Yeah, he doesn’t look the type,” Hyunjin chuckles.

After that, Jisung lets Hyunjin do most of the conversation and leaves earlier than he could have, ignoring his friend’s surprised face. Maybe he’ll explain later, but probably not.

It’s only a week later that he talks to Changbin again, or more so it’s Changbin that talks to him.

Since their assignment had ended, they hadn’t spoken, texted, or even exchanged a look. With the rumors going around, Jisung just couldn’t reach out, too afraid people would take it as confirmation.

However, when suddenly he meets Changbin’s eyes outside the cafeteria, the older gets up from where he was sitting—was he waiting for Jisung, even under the snow?—and walks over to him, determination in his step. Jisung stops in his tracks and Seungmin turns his head to look at him, curiously, then when he follows Jisung’s eye and sees Changbin, he takes a step back.

“You knew?” Changbin says. He would sound calm to anyone who’d never heard him talk before, but Jisung knows him more soft-spoken, and the tone makes Jisung freeze.

“Hyung? Knew wha—”

“Please don’t play dumb,” Changbin interrupts, standing right in front of him, snow crunching under his feet. They’re about the same height and yet Jisung feels like Changbin will always seem more imposing. And it’s probably true, judging by the way people are looking at him, at them. “You heard people talk about us, about you behind your back. They’ve been doing it for _days_ , Jisung. You knew, didn’t you?” It’s barely a question, more like an accusation.

“They’re just rumors…”

But Changbin tsks. “You can’t let people talk about you like that.”

Jisung frowns. Why does Changbin sound offended, _angry_ even? “I’m sorry?”

“I know you’re scared, and just want to fit in or whatever, but being a people-pleaser and letting people think you’re a whore are different things.”

“Excuse me?!” Jisung feels himself become red with a mix of embarrassment and anger. He can feel students looking at them, their surroundings almost quiet. Or maybe that’s because of the ringing in his ear. “You don’t fucking get to tell me this when all people know about you are rumors, Seo Changbin. You know _nothing_ about me. You don’t get to call me names, you don’t even get to _speak_ to me. Stay away from me.”

“Jisung…” But Jisung doesn’t listen, doesn’t let Changbin apologize, even though his face says he wants to. He’s gone too far, and Jisung wants to be as far away from him as he can; so he walks away, fighting tears as his throat closes up. To his left, Jisung sees Harin watching him along with a few of her friends as well as Felix—the latter looks at him with concern while the former does it with pity—he feels his ears burn.

Jisung cries himself to sleep every other day for two weeks straight. He, who had never let himself cry at home, just can’t hold it in anymore, so he cries and cries and wonders how his tears don’t run out. Of course, he still can’t let his family know about this, so he cries in silence, his whole body clenched and curled under his covers, his face muscles hurting almost as much as his stomach. The days where the tears stop before sleep comes, he lies on his side and stares at the wall, heart empty and mind racing. _What is crying even worth? No one can see me here, why do I keep crying? I thought crying helped to feel better, I just feel pathetic._ And the days where they can’t stop, he wakes up in the morning with painful eyes and a wet pillowcase.

Yet everything it takes to mask it is shower, and smile when his friends talk to him. Which turns out to not be that often, because it looks like they’re talking to Felix a lot more than to him nowadays. Felix is probably a great guy, Jisung reckons, but he just doesn’t have the energy to get to know him. They were born one day apart, that Jisung knows from the numerous times his two friends had said it in an attempt to make them get closer.

Jisung feels elsewhere, constantly. He thinks about Changbin, sometimes, but he hasn’t seen him at school since they fought. He doesn’t think about him all the time, though. Changbin’s words were a low and painful blow, yes, but it was only the last straw added on top of the heaviness of Jisung’s heart and mind. So when he isn’t thinking about Changbin—about how angry he is at him, how he’s still wondering if he’s alright although he wants to hate him so bad—he’s thinking about how out of place he feels, about how he wishes the pain would go away, and wonders if he should pay attention to class.

“Jisung?”

“Hm?” Jisung turns his head towards Hyunjin, standing next to his seat.

“Class ended,” the other says, an amused smile on his face.

Jisung forces a chuckle, hopes it sounds real. “Sorry, I think I was daydreaming.” He stands up and follows the others out.

They bid each other goodbye, wishing each other a nice weekend. Seungmin informs them he’s canceling movie night because he has a longer tutoring session with an underclassman who has a big test the following week, Hyunjin waves him off and says that he has a double date with Felix planned either way. Felix reminds them that they also have a test on Monday, but Hyunjin counters that they don’t need to study for it. Jisung didn’t feel like studying either way, even if it had been needed for the test. He waves and gets into the bus before it leaves without him.

Except it’s the wrong bus. It goes the same way that of his own for a few streets, before it takes the direction opposite to Jisung’s line, and doesn’t stop for a couple kilometers.

There’s something familiar about the neighborhood where they make the first stop, and by the second stop, Jisung decides to get off the bus. Maybe he can catch another one going back to the city and walk from there to his house, he might be able to get there before his family starts to wonder where he’s gone to. He remembers the scolding he got for ditching his aunt’s car and the amount of restrictions he’d gotten for it.

Jisung crosses the road to check the timetable when a familiar sign catches his attention. The letters have been removed from the metal of the sign, but the amount of time they had stayed left like a reverse-stain, dirt outlining the words ‘South-East Beach’.

“Gruyere,” Jisung says under his breath. The nickname stuck with him, somehow, although when he says it it’s without any humor.

He’s curious to see how looks during the day, if it did deserve the cheese name Changbin had given it, so Jisung doesn’t even glance at the timetable and walks in the directions the sign points to.

It doesn’t take him long to spot the bigger sign that he knew already. The wood has a sad color, and the paint on top of it is faded, not having been touched up in over a decade. He walks past the sign and towards the beach. The holes are still there, but they look less like a movie and more like a construction site, now. It’s kind of strange, the way the beach looks much sadder and more _ordinary_ than when Changbin had brought him.

Jisung walks along the side of the lake, on the sand, then towards the spot where they’d sat down. He kicks a rock on his way and watches it sink in a water-filled hole.

Then, it catches his attention. In the hole where they’d made the fire, there’s an envelope. The paper is dirty from staying in the ashes and from the winter’s humidity, proof that it had been here a few days already. Jisung frowns and reaches down to take it. There’s nothing written on it, but he doubts that anyone other than Changbin would have left it there and that they— _he_ —would have done it for anyone else than Jisung himself. So he sits down and opens it.

~~_Hey there,_ ~~

~~_Dear Jisung,_ ~~

(The words are scratched out, like he decided they weren’t good enough but didn’t bother changing the paper.)

_Hi,_

_I don’t know if you’re ever gonna see this letter; whether because I’ll have burnt it before you can even get a chance, because someone else found it before you, because it got so soaked that the ink will have ran, or simply because it seems incredibly foolish, selfish of me, to think you’ll have come back here._

_But if you see this… I’m sorry. For a lot of things, some more obvious and some less, I think._

_First and foremost, for what I said about you, what I said to you. You don’t have to forgive me, you don’t even have to read this, but I still want to say that I’m truly sorry that I was such an asshole and that I said such hurtful things. I most probably still am an asshole, I’ve barely grown since then, but I’ll try to from now on. You were right, by the way, to call me a hypocrite for letting people say things about me yet saying you shouldn’t. I guess baring the rumors about myself was easier than the ones about you._

_Then, I’m sorry for the night we met. I’m sorry the world is so hard on you, and I’m sorry I could barely do anything to help. I’m sorry I made it worse._

_I’m sorry because I’m about to break a promise I made to you the other day, I’m sorry because I think I like you. I still won’t ask for a reply, if that’s any consolation._

_Even if I asked, it’s not like I would be able to know the answer as the last thing I’m sorry for is being such a coward, for writing this letter because I couldn’t say these things directly to you, or even make sure you get this letter, before leaving._

_When you see this, I’m probably gone. I wouldn’t call it running away since I’m not legally required to stay with my dad, but it still feels like it. I’m leaving everything behind without thinking too much. I’m leaving in two days, Friday. I don’t know where yet, I might go back to my mom’s even just to say hi to her. She’s someone I owe an apology to, too._

_Well, that’s it, I guess. It feels strange to write a letter, I don’t think I’ve really ever done it before… It’s even stranger that I won’t know whether you’ve read it or not; I can’t decide if it feels liberating or if it makes me anxious. Any way._

_Take care._

_\- SCB_

_P.S. Did you know that you saved my life that night? Thank you for telling me about fire and stars and loneliness._

Jisung doesn’t realize he’s crying until he blinks and his tears fall on the letter. The paper drinks them in instantly, the salted droplets blending into the humidity, disappearing.

These tears are different the ones he had been shedding for the past days, though, because these he knows where they come from. They come from his heart, where he realizes that Changbin made his world a little better, and he can’t let him run away without having told him that first.

His bags had been packed for three days when Changbin wrote the letter. He had been ready to leave that day already, but when he got the email from the teacher containing his and Jisung’s grade, he wondered if he should tell Jisung that he was leaving. Of all the people he knew here, Jisung was the only one he was going to miss, but he didn’t even know if Jisung would miss _him_ anymore. So he pondered for a few hours, before writing the letter, driving to the beach and staring at the blank envelope for a few more hours, wondering whether to burn it or not, to finally leave it in the ashes and going back.

Changbin gave himself until Friday, and when Friday came, he woke up uneasy. Jisung hadn’t contacted him. But after all, he had given him a very small window, and if one voice in his head was telling him that the younger might have gone to the beach before the letter even got there, it was overpowered by the one calling him stupid for thinking Jisung would even go.

The sky is bathing in the sun’s pink light when Changbin throws his things into the trunk of his car. He doesn’t have much as he never bothered to make himself at home in his dad’s house, but he had a couple of things from his mom’s that he had been able to grab before they took him away from her.

Changbin sighs when his hands grip the driving wheel, he gives a look to the house and breathes in slowly, turning the key to start the car. He doesn’t really know why he feels so nervous, so he tries to shake it off, turning around and grabbing the passenger seat for stability as he drives backward out of the driveway, slowly, until someone suddenly puts themselves in the way. Changbin hits the break quickly, his body thrusted forward a little while the figure moves towards the passenger window. He rolls the window down and…

“Jisung? What- what are you doing here?”

Jisung rests his hands on the car door, out of breath like he just ran a marathon, and swallows before speaking, although not without difficulty. “Your letter, I read…” He pants, swallows again. “I just read your letter, at the beach, I had to…” He stops and makes himself breathe deeply, before looking at Changbin in the eye again. “I had to see you before you left.”

“Did you run all the way from the beach?” Changbin frowns, somehow more concerned with Jisung’s state than by the fact that _Holy shit he read my letter_.

“No there was a bus, just not the one that comes all the way to your stop, the one that stops five streets down next to the big stone thing, then I ran all the way here, but there was—” Jisung realizes he’s kind of rambling and stops, even though Changbin was looking at him fondly, a soft but sad smile on his lips, the kind you have when looking at something you love but can’t have. “I- I’m still angry at you.” He finally continues, slower. “I probably will be for a while, but… Not forever.”

Changbin nods. “Yeah, I understand. When you do, you can just give me a call or—”

“No.” Changbin frowns slightly. Did he understand Jisung wrongly? “No, I won’t have to. I’m- I’m coming with you.”

_What?_

“What?”

Jisung gestures at the passenger seat. “This is free, right? Let me come with you.”

“I mean yes it’s free but—” Jisung opens the door and sits down. “You can’t just- Jisung you’re not even eighteen yet I can’t let you—” Jisung turns towards him and grabs his face, pulling him forward and planting a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

Changbin blinks, and when Jisung says “drive me to my house I’ll grab my stuff,” he’s smiling, face so soft that Changbin can’t do anything but obey.

It takes about thirteen minutes—or the length of the first four songs of Changbin’s eternal TWICE car CD—for Jisung to come back out of his house with a full duffle bag that he throws in the backseat before urging Changbin to drive away. He doesn’t just yet, though.

“Jisung, are you sure this is a good idea?”

Jisung looks at him and smiles; he smiles almost bitterly, a pain Changbin understands a bit too much painted at the edge, but his eyes are comforting.

“It’s probably not, but I can’t keep living like this… I’ll be eighteen in a couple of months, anyway.”

Changbin sighs, but he still starts the car and pulls away from the sidewalk. He knows this is a bad idea, considering both of their situations, but his heart overpowers his brain when Jisung is involved. _I’ll have to work on that_ , Changbin concedes.

They drive out of the urban area, TWICE playing loud enough on the speakers to not make their silence weird. When the last track ends and the album resets, Jisung turns it off. Sometimes, Changbin would it play again two or three times while on longer drives. Jisung, who had until now been looking out the window, face turned away from Changbin, looks at the driver and smiles.

“Thank you, hyung.”

He’s not sure what exactly the younger is thanking him for, if not only for taking him in, but the sincerity of the statement is so strong that Changbin is left speechless. He knows he doesn’t need to reply, so he just extends his hand and lets Jisung take it in his. Changbin kisses Jisung’s hand, earning a giggle from him, and lets it rest in his, atop his thigh.

* * *

The sky has gone from pink to a bright orange to desaturated blues to a dark navy, and the moon has replaced the sun among the clouds. The stars glow faintly in the distance, but Changbin’s hand is warm in his, and Jisung doesn’t feel as lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> the french song referenced in the first part is [_corps_]() by yseult, her music is amazing u should also check her out! one of the lyrics is _"j'ai ces bruits dans ma tête et j'aimerais que ça cesse mais en vain"_ which translates to "i have this noise in my head and i'd like it to stop but in vain" which is similar to min.a's line i used in the title... yeah.
> 
> hope u liked this, i thought about doing an epilogue but i don't think it needs one so please don't ask for it? u can tell me what u think that epilogue Could Be in the comments tho i'd love to hear ur thoughts!!
> 
> thank u for reading <3


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